I'm drunk and alone so I figured I should post. Whatever. Last night I had a scary dream. Well, several, actually. Because I usually have two or three completely different dreams in one single night.

In the first one I was in bed sleeping and I kept hearing a clicking sound like someone was turning the cieling fan on and off. I told Ryan to go check and see if there was someone in the bathroom and as he was doing that I looked into Madison's room (from where I was laying in bed) and saw someone standing next to her crib. As my eyes adjusted to the dark I realized it was the guy in the creepy bunny suit thing from Donnie Darko. I started freaking out but I couldn't move and I kept trying to scream 'GET AWAY!' but my mouth wouldn't work either and it came out very mumbled.

So that's when I woke up to Ryan shaking me and saying I was yelling in my sleep. I don't think I've ever done that so it was kind of wierd.

The second I don't remember very well but That I was going on a trip to the beach with my parents, bob, and deanna. But we were not traveling in a normal car, we were riding in something resembling a gian shopping cart but with a closed in interior and outside seats in front and back. Kind of wierd. I had to squish in next to my dad on the outside/back and there was barely any room. And Bob was mad at me but I do not know why. Are you mad at me in real life, Bobert?

Aside from wierd dreams life is okay, I guess. Hoss's fucked up my federal w/h so I will probabaly have to pay instead of getting a return. And my car just cost $940 to fix. On top of the 700 it cost me in october. But it is okay because Ryan is getting a major refund plus deductions for baby and buying a house and apparantly we get a 7,000 dollar loan as first time home buyers that has no interest and gets paid back over a period of ten years through or tax refunds. So awesome on that front.

Madison turned 6 months old on the 9th. She now eighs 20 pounds, is 27 inches long, can roll over, loves pears and blueberries, and is the smartest baby I have ever seen. Am convinced she will be president OF THE WORLD someday.

*ahem*

So that is all I suppose.

I mean. Rock.

So... I don't know. Madison is a happy and healthy 4 months, 15 pounds and 25 inches. She has started eating cereal, laughing, and *almost* rolling over. She gets cuter every day.

Everything else is kind of crap, though. Any moment that she is at daycare or sleeping is a drunken one. I'm starting to think that Ryan and I are fueling each other's alcoholism. Although it does make shopping and work a little more fun.

We (me, Ryan and his entire family) went out to the bar last friday to celebrate his brother turning 21. I must say it was a lot more fun than I thought. I didn't pay for a single drink and discovered that I can beat my boyfriend at darts. So woohoo. I guess.

Christmas doesn't feel too good this year. Seems like everyone's fighting. My family, him and his family... and all of this spills over onto me whether I like it or not. I'm stuck right in the middle of a huge pile of shit. Maybe me and Madison will run away and live where nobody can find us.

Blah.

"Bob has Baby --- Head Syndrome. The baby grows in her head and eats her brains. Then her head explodes and it dies."

The reason I am going through my old quote book is that we used to snort pills off the inside back cover of it. Which I am happily doing right now. Don't judge me, the baby sleeps for hours, giving me a large window of opportunity to get wasted and then sleep it off before she wakes up.

So, in other news, I need a new job. Badly. Or teh internet go bye byes. again. Stupid Hoss's and it's stupid customers. I was attacked with this gem of wisdom the other day while out on the salad bar:

Lady: Is the soup included in the Soup and Salad bar?

...

Also, I've realized that my new medication can be tricky. If I take it earlier than I did the day before, I get nervous and shaky. If I take it later than the day before, I am prone to violent mood swings.

I don't think the man in the minivan on his phone knows how close he came to death this morning.

Rock.

Sooo... The doctor put me on Zoloft. I guess it's working. Almost feels like adderol... I find myself moving around a lot more... doing housework and more work-work to keep busy. Although I am having trouble sleeping at night. I guess that will be more manageable once we finally have the internet and I have something to do while everyone else is in bed.

Posted some Halloween pics on myspace if anyone's interested. The link is in the previous post.

Um. Baby?

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=105329884&albumId=2197116

Can't say much cept I might be getting the internet at the new house so... hope to post more soon!

I GOT DIAMOND EARRINGS FOR CHRISTMAS!!! REAL ONES!!!

*ahem* and a ton of other stuff. spoiled.

So. A lot has changed since my last update. ALOT.

I've been in the hospital, almost died. Apparantly I have bad asthma and I didn't even know it. Well, I knew somewhat because I had an inhaler, but I didn't think it was this serious. I couldn't breathe at all, especially lying down. So after a sleepless night of sitting on the edge of the couch, I had someone take me to the hospital. I had an oxygen tube in my nose. I had an iv in my arm. I had an inexperienced nurse who stuck me with a needle three times before the doctor finally had to take over to get enough blood out of me.

And I also found out that I'm pregnant. That was almost a month ago. Life has been crazy and emotional and sober for me ever since.

And yes, it took some getting used to, but we're both happy about it. I think our parents were happier about it at first, but now we're excited. And we kind of figured that if we'd waited until we felt we were financially ready to have a kid, it probably never would have happened.

So, all in all, a very Merry Christmas for our families and friends, despite the fact that we can't afford to get them presents. Or good ones at least.

Rock.

I love this song hardcore. Mainly because of Supernatural, but who says I have to have a good reason for enjoying classic rock? I can't help it, it's Dean's song.

I'm going through withdrawal because certain television stations think that stupid Thanksgiving is more important than the newest episode of Supernatural. Pffffft. THIS Thursday, however, will be different. Oh yes. We will find out that new demon lady can fix dean so that he won't be haunting sam for crapping all over his car.

Aside from the no supernatural thing, Thanksgiving was okay. I didn't visit my parents because I had to get up at 9 in the morning and WORK ON BLACK FRIDAY AT KOHLS. Thankfully I was only bagging, and for some reason the customers weren't vicious or mean or hateful at all in spite of a wait in line ranging anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours, depending on how early it was.

But it was fun. I guess. And I still got to eat some of my mommy's yummy food, so all is right with the world.

Although sometimes I can't help but suspect that God is pooing on me. Somebody needs to tell that guy that I'm not his toilet.

In any case, life is okay... I found out Ryan's family is spoiling me for Christmas... I mean, we're talking 200$ worth of stuff... that he knows of. Thank GOD we decided that he'd buy the presents for his family and I'd buy the presents for mine and we'd both put our names on all of them. For two reasons. 1, I would have no idea what to get them, and 2, his family is twice as big as mine.

Should be crazy times.

Rock.

I quit my job at giant. I couldn't get used to third shift. I was tired of always being tired even though I still got plenty of sleep.

So now I'm looking for a new one and hoping it happens kind of fast. My car has to get inspected by the end of this month and I'll probably have to replace the headlight, which won't be cheap.

And I really really need health insurance. I'm worried because I'm using my inhaler at least six times a day- if not more, and it's not really meant to be used more than twice a week. I can barely breath and it's painful when I do, it makes me dizzy and sometimes nauseous. My mom keeps telling me to just go to the emergency room so that they can give me a prescription or something... but how the hell am I supposed to pay for it with no insurance? I still have a 300 dollar dentist bill because apparantly it's THAT unbelievably expensive to pull out two teeth that I probably could have knocked out by myself for free.

I'm worried because my mom was supposed to have surgery on her leg but now they're not sure if she's healthy enough for it. She keeps telling me who gets what after she dies, like I'm her living breathing will. I'm worried because my dad's pills make him so out of it that he wouldn't be able to help even himself if something happened to her. I'm fifty miles away and I'm agonizing over who's going to take care of my family because I can't.

I can barely take care of myself.

Apparently love can't fix everything.

So, things are going. There is no way of describing where and what exactly, but they're going.

Bob Evans is now just a crazy memory and I can't help feeling like the last original cast member to leave on a sitcom. We're all doing spin-offs now and all I can do is pray mine doesn't fail. My new job is lonely, though I'm allowed to listen to music which might be the only thing that keeps me sane.

On the 16th me and Ryan will have been together six months. We're doing something, he just won't tell me what. I love him more than ever and for some reason I've been thinking about when we first started being friends. It seems so long ago, and I guess it is, now. Almost two years ago, I guess? I was so sure he wouldn't feel the same way about me (who would?). But I was wrong, wasn't I? Sure, we have our fights, but they're always small and always clustered into a span of no more than two days, than we're good for awhile. He doesn't get sick of me no matter how many times I tell him I love him.

It's a miracle that I've written more than a paragraph. I suppose I just needed to get something out - I haven't written in such a long time, I need practice. So what if the urge to write came at 6: am when I have to be up in four hours to go to the dentist and have a tooth pulled? And so what if this is the only chance I'll have to sleep until 6:00 am tomorrow? One must take the chances one gets.

Rock.

Happenings of the past couple months:

1. Finished Harry Potter... And cried like a baby. It was good except for the epilogue and the fact that she KILLED FRED. Seriously, why Fred? WHY? Am going to write fic to correct this situation.

2. Quit my job... Just stopped going in. Got tired of all the bullshit they were pulling, so I screwed them over, royally. The best part? I was going to be employee of the month.

3. Moved to Carlisle... which is working out, except for the part where I have to leave Remus at my parents because the apartment doesn't allow pets.

4. Got a new job.. At Giant, frying donuts overnight. Not much to say, it's a job and it's more than I was making. So yay.

That's pretty much been my life, except for Bob Evans screwing me out of my last paycheck so that I don't have money for birth control this month. So hot piss on that.

I love Bowie. That aside? Life going okay...ish.

The boyfriend is now getting unemployment checks. And he got a new car so that we don't have to worry about his breaking down when we're on vacation. And speaking of vacation... hklhdslhg. I am so excited. This is the hotel we're staying at: http://www.vboceanfrontnorth.com/

It has an indoor and outdoor pool, a poolside bar, two whirlpools, a lazy river, which is in fact as awesome as it sounds aaaaaaaand we will have a view of the ocean from our room. For an entire week.

I just have to endure the hell that is my life until then. Which really isn't as bad as it sounds. Work is pretty awkward now that everyone knows I was banging their manager, and it's even more awkward having to take orders from the other stupid managers without glaring at them. I've been making myself busy wasting and stealing as much food as possible. So I'm feeling pretty good about that.

My birthday was awesome, everybody I went out with bought me drinks and I was so wasted by the end of the night that I couldn't stand by myself. And my totally awesome boyfriend bought me a big cuddly stuffed bear, ren and stimpy on dvd, red roses, and sushi.

The friday after my birthday me and bob and meghan went to the gay club in york... which was a very cracktastic adventure, also involving me getting wasted. And there was a cute gay boy who reminded me of georgie that kept coming back to sell us more shots and we danced because it was a gay club and they played funky town. Oh yes.


My writing has really gotten retarded... I'm a little ashamed of this post.

Rock.

( How I got my boyfriend fired. )

So I'm pretty much done with Bob Evans. I'm going to stick it out for awhile so I'm comfortable while I look for a new job. And in the meantime? My main goal is to steal and waste as much food as possible, because the other manager's jobs are already in jeopardy over food cost.

The only verdict is vengeance.

Yes bitches, I have a vendetta.

that was cheesy and I don't care

So here I am, wanking on livejournal when my time could be better spent doing ANY of the following:

1. Getting my check
2. Cashing my check
3. Paying my phone bill so I can turn it back on
4. Getting birth control so I don't end up kicking myself later
5. Paying my stupid speeding ticket
6. Washing all my laundry and packing enough clothes to last me til friday, plus two uniforms, so I don't have to come home between work and boyfriend
7. Finding a cheap yet meaningful birthday present for my dad

I can only pick two out of numbers 3,4,5 and 7 because that's all I can afford if I'm going to be driving back and forth to Carlisle practically every day this week.

So let's weigh out the options... If I don't pay my phone bill I'm completely cut off from my friends. If I don't get birth control, well, who the hell knows? It's a toss up with my fucked up body, but it's a bad gamble considering my fucked up luck. What happens if I don't pay my speeding ticket on time? I pay extra? I become a criminal? heheh... The last option means a week filled with guilt if I don't by my dad a birthday present.

So what do I do? Probably I'll just kill myself. Life is too much work any more.

He's got me hooked on this stupid song, it's frustrating. I downloaded it cuz it makes me think of him and now I must listen to it over and over. And he thinks it's funny. Oh god, make it stop.

In any case, all is well in my world. Or so I say...

Well, for the most part. I have my boyfriend who is sweet and thoughtful and who steals me away for days at a time to where no one can find me. Which is what I need right now because my home life is crap.

My cousin has been staying with us for about a month now and I've been avoiding her like the plague because we used to be such good friends but we're not on the same level anymore and I feel awkward. I don't know what to talk to her about, I feel like I'm expected to entertain her and she FUCKS WITH ALL MY SHIT. I can't find anything anymore because my room is constantly being rearranged when I'm not here. She's going home monday because we're 'poorer' than her family and she can't stand it anymore. Because it never occurred to her that maybe we're poor right now because we've had an extra mouth to feed for the past four weeks?

Also? My mom thinks that our cat is about to die, because she hasn't been looking too good lately and she isn't eating as much as she used to. And she's coming up on ten years old. I'm hoping that she's wrong... and usually she is... but still ...

I have too much stress in my life right now.

Nnnngh. I don't entirely have the attention span for a post right now, but I figure maybe someday I'll want these memories. So here we are.

Life is good. I don't want to jinx it early by saying I'm falling for him, but... He's fucking amazing. He treats me like a princess - pays for shit, opens the car door for me, tells me that I'm cute constantly ... and we get along so well.

Also? I always sort of hated my body, and still kind of do, but for some reason, I don't feel self-conscious at all when I'm with him. It's good to know that I don't have to give up sleeping in my underwear.

And in reguards to the last post: Dustin is making plans to get tested, and pregnant friend and future baby are both fine and healthy.

Lastly, work has made me a trainer, which means mo' money, problems, and a shiny gold nametag. ooooooh.

So, yeah, life is good.

Rock.

So I'm thinking my life as of late calls for a massive update. Let's hope I have the energy required to get these life-altering situations out. I think I'm going to split this into three different cuts.

( And by protecting my heart truly, I got lost in the sounds I hear in my mind... )

( All these voices I hear in my mind, all these words I hear in my mind... )

( All this music - and it breaks my heart... )


Alright so that wasn't entirely too descriptive but I've had a very strange and intense couple of days and I'm kind of tired of thinking. So.

Rock.

It's been about a month since I updated. The last post seems so sad and despairing. So guess what? For the most part, I was wrong in my predictions for the new restaurant. We've stayed a very close-knit, dysfunctional happy family. We hang out every night after work... and even though I don't get to see Ryan as much I've been trying harder to get him to chill with me outside of work. And it's working. We played N64 until four in the morning on Wednesday and he promised he'd go see Ninja Turtles with me this Wednesday. And I don't even need to ask for that hug goodbye anymore.

So things are looking up. Or sideways, I should say, wouldn't want to jinx myself before there's too much to be happy about. At least things aren't looking down.

Also? Been spending a little more time with old friends lately. Me and Bob and Meghan went to go see Sparky at the hospital the other day... to see his brand new baby boy... who is ridiculously adorable and, as he puts it, a 'good baby'. I'm so happy for him, he's going to be an awesome daddy because all he's ever wanted is a family. It almost makes me want to start the baby makin'. Almost. I give it a good five years, at least. I still have to figure out where this life of mine is going.

And, lastly, because I lost my quote book but still have some memorable statements, I give you List O' Quotes:

Me (to Sam, our other KP, or as Dustin refers to him, the Asian Invasion): Take it, bitch!

Sam: That's what I said to your mom last night.

... And it's only funny because our General Manager was standing right around the corner and heard it all and yelled at us all for being vulgar.

And the second quote, which I vow to never forget, was spawned from a night of good company and even better weed and conversations about politics and the legalization of marijuana:

Dustin: I'm gonna be one of them... speech dudes!

I'll leave on that note with a promise (to myself) to update sooner. Because the best years of my life involve a ton of drugs and I want to be able to remember this shit later.

Aaaaalso? I *am* teh sex, and could have mo' ass than a toilet seat if I wanted it right now. Which I don't because I am a very singularly obsessive person. I just wanted to brag because I don't get to do that often. Though it is frustrating because why couldn't the cute highschool boys like me when i was *in* highschool? Statutory rape is only fun when you're on the young side of it.

I had a dream last night that I was a fish. It was weird, because I was a boy fish, and I was on this fish dating show and they were trying to set me up with this lady fish, but all I wanted to do was eat popcorn shrimp. This means I can't even have love as a gender/species confused thing with razor sharp teeth in my DREAMS. What hope do I have for the real world?

Yesterday was my last day working at the old Bob Evans. I cried like a baby half the day, it was awful. I'm just sad because it won't be the same. We'll still all see each other but it will be a different enviroment - busier on a daily basis, and since the new building is going to be completely non-smoking everyone will be pissy. And there will be no reason for me to stay after and chill with *him* because we can't smoke pot. If we'll even still work the same days because all the schedules are getting changed. And there will be a bunch of new people and they'll just make things worse and... and... poo.

Just keep swimming.

Right?